September 25, 2021 PM
Today I woke up with fried nerves due to anxiety. A friend of mine told me last night they had something they wanted to talk to me about but they didn't want to make me worry so they wanted to wait until the next day. This kept me up with anxiety all night :)Turns out that they have diabetes. I sort of have type 2 but seeing how I'm terrified of all of that mess I keep to a strict diet as often as I can. I managed to wiggle out of mine to where it doesn't affect me anymore (not noticably at least) But hearing how frustrated he was, how distraught, completely stuck he was made me remember everything I felt when I was going through all of that. My heart really hurt for him. But there's just something about the way he doesn't like to show emotion to people that kept him from accepting any of that. I wanted to show him that we supported him (Myself and the other members of our small community) and they did agree-- but the way he responded made it feel to me like we were smothering him even though he was noticably stressed and scared. I'm still getting to know this friend even though we've known eachother for ages. But it's stressful that we find it so difficult to understand eachother even though we really care for eachother. Sometimes I feel like my best is my most awful to them. My ex and I played Satisfactory today and yesterday. I don't really care for the game. Not a big fan of wiping out nature when you can't regrow anything. It's just a reminder to me that we're alien to the planet, invading it's beautiful spaces to wipe out everything it's grown to fill it with ugly machinary and smog. 
I let my ex mess with all of that. I gather resources/healing supplies and go exploring/fighting instead. However even then even the wildlife doesn't respawn once you kill them. I just kinda wanna see the world play out as it is and appreciate it for that. Flying through the tubes are fun and riding down the conveyer belt is nice but the rest is just.. idk.. I started my new pill today. Again. The last time I took this pill I couldn't sleep at all due to restless leg syndrome. My legs would build up this tension over and over again until they would literally kick when I was trying to sleep and would keep me up. It's the most miserable feeling. One pill caused this for three whole nights. So I'm hoping this round wont be as terrible or it's another few nights of absolute misery and days full of napping again while I'm a complete zombie. Today I spent a lot of time staring at Siren Head. Yes. That Siren Head. The horrific monster. I'm not really a cryptid. I don't like anything to do with horror. Avoid movies/stories/themes like the plague. But the first time I saw the video of Siren Head lumbering down the street of a city-- I just couldn't look away??
The lumber, the sound, the colours. It's almost hypnotic. This video easily stirred something inside of me that I still don't quite understand. I've seen the video game played. I did feel the emotions of anxiety/panic/etc but I just can't stop watching them. They'll probably be the first thing I pixel/make an adoptable on the spooky page. How am I doing today? Really doing? Struggling, really. I felt insecure and depressed for the first part of my day- so much I didn't even find a moment to work on my website the way I wanted to. I felt frustrated and powerless. The rest of my day I was reminded that not only am I not moving fast enough at the moment- I'm not moving at all. I was reminded that I am more than small. That I'm not something anyone would want. My ex interrupted that train of thought though. He told me that he found me hot. Seconds later he upgraded it to sexy. We were just playing a game- he was talking directly about me. But I struggle to feel much when anyone says those things to me because I don't feel that way in the slightest. Due to my illness I feel like a- and I mean no offense by this to homeless people- but I feel like a hobo. I cannot care for myself, I cannot bathe- I likely smell. The good news is that, yes, I'm getting better- but I'm not where I need to be yet to even soak my feet (which I am desperately clawing my eyes to just get where I need for that, I hate it so much) All the fainting seems to have stopped- but I still cannot walk. The goal is to address the fainting, in which we have, and work my way up to finally being able to fully bathe and wash my hair-- once I wash my hair we can go to the neurologist and finally get the head scan done. They suspect seizures were the cause of the fainting but large doses of anxiety meds have subdued that so I have a feeling that'll be a big waste of time but at least people can stop riding me about it and we can move on to the next test. As of this moment they cannot do the scan because the nodes will not stick to my scalp. What are some good things that happened today.. Well-- I drew this cat.  Based off these cats I got to eat a chicken salad sandwich again for lunch- I'm starting to think I'll never get tired of it. I died multiple times in Satisfactory and my ex had to come get me- something cathartic about him coming to save me-- maybe that's not neccesarily a good thing but it felt nice. Technically lots of bad things didn't happen today too. I didn't faint or even fall (even though falling was rare). And I uh-- I didn't die? I was also pretty comfortable today aside from arm pain. I still have comics in a little while to read before I go to sleep. I don't really look forward to tomorrow. There was so much I wanted to talk to my friend about. So much I needed to clear the air with them about. Things that had really been stressing me out and were never fixed. Now that's not fixed and I'm stressed for them. (Not that I would change anything- I just hope I'm not misplacing my feelings at this point.. Part of me wonders if it would be a better place if I just stopped visiting.) And then I'll have the game. I ask myself a lot "why do I do these things" but I guess it makes sense a little. I'm so bent with myself about not being able to make and keep friends that this is just me being bullheaded even though I'm so lost and insecure about everything. I want to learn from this experience and I wanna fight my way through it but being friends isn't fighting- being friends isn't stressing people and yourself out all the time. And the game thing-- I guess I have my own questionable reasons for that- it's just not executed in the most desirable way- there just weren't any other options at the time ): So this is me today. I'd like to start doing this more often so I can sort and understand my emotions. So I can remind myself of my progress and rid my head of thoughts that refuse to stop spinning in my head when I need to sleep. Please help me keep this a safe place by abiding by the rules you agreed to in order to read this page. Thank you. 
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